How They Got The Earbud In The Kielbasa Sausage
by poestheblackcat
Summary: Missing scene from 3.01. What the title says. What? Like you didn't wonder either? Obviously, crack humor.


Summary: Missing scene from 3.01. What the title says. What? Like you didn't wonder either? Obviously, crack humor. (Look Ma! No angst!)

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><p><strong>How They Got The Earbud In The Kielbasa Sausage<strong>

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><p><em><strong>The Plan<strong>_

They all pitched in on the planning.

Sophie was normally quite good at filling in as the mastermind, but she was too emotionally involved to think straight enough to plan a solid escape for Nate. And besides, there was a (more than) slight "abandoned puppy/wildcat kitten/rabid wolf puppy" vibe hanging around the three younger members when they were around her that was very distracting.

What ended up happening was, they all sat around Nate's condo and brainstormed. Each member of the team suggested their own ideas for getting Nate out of jail.

Parker wanted to set it up like a game of Monopoly. The rest of the team didn't get it, other than the "Get Out Of Jail Free" bit, but that was mostly because no one else in the world played Monopoly by Parker's rules.

Hardison wanted to do it like a video game. In Eliot's opinion, there were far too many _"Pyoo-pyoo pfshhhhhhhh!"_ sound effects for it to be taken seriously. Sophie sighed and shook her head. Parker liked the explosion parts of it.

Eliot wanted to do a simple smash and grab. Hardison grumbled at the _boringness_ and the lack of sophistication (and technology) in the plan. Sophie _hmmm_-ed at it and sipped at her tea. Parker liked the bit where she got to tazer five guards.

Sophie's plan involved a lot of seduction and a simply brilliant ending in which she and Nate…The scandalized expressions of her teammates stopped her before she could get to the end. But it was a brilliant scheme.

In the end, the plan that they came up with would have made Nate cry and go back to drinking (in no particular order).

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><p><em><strong>The Heist (That Was Not Really A Heist<strong><em> Because Parker Didn't Get To Steal Anything<em>**, But Was More Like An Infiltration)**_

_Happy Cow Sausage Factory_

"Hello," Parker said, holding up the raw sausage, "My name is Link. I am yummy. Mmmmm."

"_Parker,"_ Eliot growled over the com to the giggling psychopath affectionately known as Parker, _"You look like you're talking to yourself. _We_ know that's normal for you, but you're scaring the other workers."_

(What Parker heard was, _"Parker, WAH-wa-WAH-wa-_growwwwl_."_ But that was how Eliot normally sounded anyway, so it wasn't worrying.)

"Hey," she said to the girl standing next to her, wearing the matching blue smock uniform of the sausage factory, "You know what this looks like?"

The scandalized girl snapped her jaw shut and hurriedly turned back to her work.

"It looks like dynamite!" she told her new friend. _"Pfffshhhhew!"_

"_Parker!" _

The three familiar voices over the com in her ear reminded of her appointed task.

"What?"

"_Did you do it?"_ Sophie asked.

"Yes," she rolled her eyes. "Of course I did it. I put it in there like, a hundred and twenty-nine minutes ago. I'm not an amateur, guys."

Eliot sputtered. _"Why didn't you say you did it,_ a hundred and twenty-nine minutes ago_, Parker? Huh? _Fourteen_ minutes ago, I had to knock out three guys with cow prods."_

"_Eliot, you can yell at her later. Can you and Parker get out of there?"_

"_Yeah, sure."_

"On my way!" Parker said, and waved goodbye to her bewildered sausage-stuffing partner.

"_Hardison, are they clear?"_

"_No, there's a thug waiting for Eliot."_ The sound of flesh hitting flesh exploded over the coms. _"Never mind, he's down. Daaaaamn, man. And you girls are as clear as Jessica Simpson's complexion after Proactiv."_

"_Can you track that sausage?"_ Sophie asked, through what sounded like a winning smile. Her persona as a company representative for a major supermarket chain dictated a cheerful efficiency.

Computer keys clicked. _"Yep. It's in the packaging room right now. Oooh, and now it's being boxed up with the others. It should be shipping out tomorrow."_

"_Good work, everybody."_

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_McDoozy Supermarket - One week later_

"Why can't we just steal it?" Parker pouted.

Eliot growled, "Because we don't have to." He grabbed the pre-cooked kielbasa sausage out of the thief's hands and slammed it down into the shopping cart with more force than was strictly necessary. "Just make believe you're normal for once."

Then he maneuvered the cart around to the bread aisle, pretending to look at the different brands of dinner rolls available. Of course, this was part of the con. Normally, he wouldn't even look twice at store-bought bread. He did all his own baking, and he got his flour from a very secret, very trusted (as far as he could trust anyone other than himself) source.

But at least he knew how to act normal, unlike _someone_, who had somehow filched the sausage out of the cart without him seeing. And if the hitter wasn't mistaken, there was also a jar of relish and a two-liter bottle of strawberry-flavored lemonade under the blonde's jacket.

He rolled his eyes and shrugged.

So long as the sausage (and its hidden earbud) got to Nate, it didn't _really_ matter how they'd gotten a hold of it. And that crazy smile on the thief's face was kind of endearing, in a scary sort of way. But don't tell anyone he said that, or else…

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><p><em><strong>What Really Happened <strong>_

Or maybe what really happened was…

Parker showed up one day with a package of generic brand kielbasa sausage. Eliot blew up at her, saying, "Do you even know what the hell they put in those things?" to which Parker replied, "No," and Eliot said, "Well, you don't want to know."

And that started it:

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't!"

"Yes, I do."

"_No, you don't!"_

"Stop squabbling, the both of you. Really, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves." Sophie. They had all really, _really_ missed her.

"He started it!" "She started it!"

"Really." The grifter's cool look at them conveyed just the right amount of parental disapproval and fondness.

While the hitter and the thief were busy looking both ashamed and put out, Hardison said, "Hey look, guys! Nate's sentence just got shortened by a month for good behavior!"

"How wonderful!"

"But I wanted to steal him."

"What's a month on a sentence of fifty years?" Party Pooper Eliot. That oughta be his cowboy name.

"So we can still steal him?"

"Yes, Parker. But we need a good plan," Sophie said. She gasped. "I have just the perfect idea!" And she proceeded to detail it to the rest of the team, who looked less than impressed. All except for Parker, who'd zoned out two minutes into the movie-style caper.

"We need Nate." Eliot, always rational, except when he wasn't.

"I dunno if you got the memo, Eliot, but Nate's in jail."

Eliot's glare at Hardison almost killed him. Almost. He'd learned to turn it down a little to a simple "Stun" instead of "Decimate."

"We can still get a com in to him, make him get himself out of jail. I don't trust y'all's plans. They're too dramatic and won't work in a real life situation."

"How the hell would we do that? Huh, Mr. Smart Guy? They check for electronic devices."

Ooh, Hardison almost got glared into Oblivion-with-a-capital-O.

Eliot held up the sausage.

"Hey, that's mine! Get your own."

"Parker, I'll give you twenty bucks and _steal_ you sugary cereal if you can get an earbud inside this sausage without making it look like it's been opened."

Parker _pffted_. "Oh, that's easy." She grabbed it out of his hand. "Here. All done!"

Eliot looked at Hardison with a smug expression.

"And _that_ is how we'll get Nate to plan his own escape."

"It won't work."

Except it did.


End file.
